I have tried to stay positive over the past few weeks and it is harder than I thought. It's tough to think positive thoughts when all you are doing is constantly going over everything that you have been through in your head and then you start crying. You cry in the morning, the afternoon, and sometimes even at night. You cry when you are driving somewhere, you cry in the shower, you cry watching a movie that's supposed to be funny. I told you, I am a freaking basketcase. So I did the get number of a counselor, and it's taken me over a week to work up the guts to call her. But I really think that I need her help, because at 26 weeks pregnant I can't let the emotional chaos that I am in cause harm to my unborn child. I already know that somehow all of this "drama" will impact my baby.
May 17, 2010
So It's been a month since I started this posting. Needless to say I am now meeting with a counselor. I think it's helping some but I still feel the urge to cry. Especially on days when it is cloudy and the weather is cold or when I think about all the things that have happened since I left Him and what the future holds. It's like it's a big blur and I don't know where to go. I talked with my mom today and she said that I should probably get on something to help me out. I'm thinking about it and when I meet with my OB/GYN next week I will probably ask for something to help me. I worry about what will happend after the baby is born. I don't want to go into post-partum depression, but at this point it's most likely to happen especially since I am already in a depressive state. So maybe getting something at this point will be a pre-emptive strike in order to prevent post-partum. I don't know.
30 weeks pregnant (almost 31) and I feel huge. Just a few more weeks to go though and my baby boy will be here. Which is good because he has been playing "soccer" or as I call it "kick the mommy" a lot the past few days. And some of those kicks have been really sharp and so painful that I cry out. Crazy kid.
My counselor has been great. She's really nice and she's given me some homework assignments to do. This week's assignment has been kind of difficult to do. Putting aside the role of victim and looking at my marriage and what I could have done better has been really hard. It's like what else could I have done. I catered to him. I thought I met his needs. However, I don't think that I can say the same about him. I tried to put him first and my needs second. Everytime that I tried to put my needs first, it was like I was shot down and made to feel bad about that. But not anymore.
On another note, I spoke with my lawyer today and since we had to put a posting in the newspaper in order to serve Him, he had 20 days after the final posting in the paper to respond. Well he responded all right. He wants specific conditions and court ordered marital counseling. He wants to be in on all doctor's visits and the birth of the baby. He's disagreed with most of my petition to the courts, including the part that stated that I wanted to return back to my maiden name as well as the emotional abuse. He wants joint legal and physical custody. Anything that was acquired during the marriage to be divded by the courts. I don't think the washer and dryer count as they were bought before we were even married and it was under my name. My lawyer said that we will be heading to mediation and I am fine with that. Hopefully we can get it scheduled early enough in June before I can't travel anymore.
I was able to go scrapbooking last saturday with my sister. It was really nice and definately something that I needed. Even though it was exhausting and I came home and slept for 13 hours, it was nice to go and do something that I do enjoy just haven't done it in a few years (more like 7). I am planning on going again this Friday night and all day Saturday. It will be exhausting, but I am hoping to get a lot done for my 2010 album. Then hopefully I can start on my 2009 album and go from there. Maybe even layout some pages for the baby's baby album. I am totally into monkey's for my little boy. I don't know why, but I just am. I go to JoAnn's or Target and their scrapbooking areas and I look for anything that has monkey's in it or something "boy" related. Hopefully I can do a good job creating my baby's album and journaling in it for him.
So that's it for now. Just a few tidbits. It's not much, but it's what I can do for now.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
It's so frustrating....
I have spent the past two months in a stupor of sorts. Living, but not living at the same time. It's the same routine day after day. And you know what, that's pretty much exactly what I need right now. Routine is a good thing. But then again, I also feel myself sinking into a depression of sorts. Part of that reason is that I am such a freaking basket case that I don't know where to go from here. I have thought about going to counseling for myself and getting help there, but at the same time is is something that I am unsure of. Going to give it some more thought.
So what do I call the soon to be ex-husband? My ex, the s.o.b., butthead, dufus? You name it I have literally thought of all kinds of names to call him on here. Because obviously I don't want to put his real name even though I should just to warn off unsuspecting females to beware of men with his caliber of personality. But I like to think that I am above such things, but then again at the same time, I don't want another woman to fall into the same pit of despair that I am in at the moment. So I think we are just going to stick with the term "ex".
At Christmas, he literally acted like a 2 year old because he didn't like his Christmas gifts. I got him a pair of jeans, a movie, and something else that escapes my mind. His parents got him a new drill and they got me a Sony Reader (like a Kindle). He was moaning and groaning that they got me a $250 gift and him a $30 gift that he didn't need because he already had one. The ex got me a $50 watch and some baby "bags" to put dirty diapers in. The watch was great and everything, because I needed one, but I didn't need an expensive one. I would have been happy with a $10 watch from Walmart or Target. And for the baby "bags" well they are okay, but I was planning on using plastic bags from the grocery store to put dirty diapers in. But the ex literally acted like a spoiled child because he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. I told him to basically grow up and to be grateful for what he got. He kids certainly enjoyed their gifts. Oh, now I remember what else he got, he got a nerf gun because we were going to my sister's house for new years and planning a family nerf war. But it's like he couldn't even be grateful for the little stuff and had to go and throw a temper tantrum. Good grief!
So the ex over the past 2 months has almost literally made my life a living hell. (Yes I am very much aware that it takes two in a marriage and that I am not innocent when it comes to my marriage falling apart. However, I am venting and you are just going to have to suck it up.) My sister and I made a special trip in early February to another state where I used to live with the ex in order to retrieve some personal items. I was hoping that he wouldn't be there and I could just sneak in and get the stuff with out him finding out. Plus I found out hat he had been on the same website where we met chatting with other people. I was hoping to get copies of the conversations from his laptop. Well my "stealth" mission didn't go as planned. I tried to find out when he would be at work so I could go in, but he wouldn't tell me. So I basically had to tell him I was there in town for a family function and I wanted the last of my stuff that I knew about. He wanted to talk about "us" and the divorce and everything before he gave me my stuff. I honestly felt like my personal items were being held hostage unless I sat down and talked with him. Well the long and short of it was, I had to talk to him and made an "agreement" of sorts to agree to skype with him once a week and "talk". Thankfully my sister was there to help me and I said what I had to say in order to retrieve my personal items. I didn't get all of them, because the ex couldn't find them, but I was able to grab some of my purses and my classic movies. I left all my children's movies behind and everything else. I don't want them. They can be replaced. But I wanted some of my "girlie" movies like Pride and Prejudice and the rest of my Jane Austen collection. I also wanted my series of McLeod's Daughters. I couldn't find McLeod's but that's okay, I figured that they could also be replaced with time. It was torture just being around him.
I have literally had to block his phone number because of the amount of times that he has tried to call me. It's not good for me or my unborn baby to go through this emotional turmoil. It's not like this is a freaking piece of cake. I remember one time when he called on a new number and I didn't know it was him until I picked up the phone. We got into it and he made the comment that I should give him the baby when it's born and be done with it. I was like no way in heck am I giving him my child. He can't even take care of the three kids that he has from his previous marriage on his own. What makes him think he can take care of a newborn? Seriously.
So despite all the crap that he has put be through, I know that all of this isn't easy on him due to all the crap he went through with his ex-wife. But I really just don't care. He has caused the majority of the drama between him and his ex-wife and put me through so much crap and emotional turmoil, that I find that I refuse to put up with anymore. He emailed me late on Sunday night to tell me that he was checking himself into a place. (I believe it is a mental hospital.) I responded back and asked him like 9 or so questions. He only answered 1/2 of them because as he puts it, "He doesn't trust me" not to serve him the divorce papers while he is in this institution. Then he wanted to know if I was going to use it against him in court. You know what, if you have to go and check yourself into a mental facility because you can't deal with the emotions of real life, you can bet I am going to use it against you. Did I get emotional when he told me what he was planning on doing, heck yes I did. I felt guilty for about 30 seconds and then realized that this was his choice, his decision. Leave it at that.
My lawyer has tried to deliver the paperwork to serve him several times, but he has never supposedly been "home". Which I know is a load of crock. He will do anything and everything to avoid being served and this is based upon his past behavior with his ex-wife. He has asked me repeatedly for 2 weeks with no threat of being served to try and work out the issues. I refuse to go that route. It is his way of delaying the inevitable. So while he is in the mental institution my lawyer is putting an ad in the paper for the next three weeks. He will be out of the institution before the ad ends in the paper. He refuses to tell me where he is moving to and come to find out he has to be out of the aparment that we shared together by saturday 3/26. He won't even be out of the institution until next week sometime. Oh well, his loss. But at the same time, it's sad.
Oh, did I mention that I found out he went onto the same website where we met and was chatting with other women that were single and him still married? He was doing this not even 24 hours after I left. GRRRRRR!!! And he had some woman send him photos of herself. Not that they were "dirty" pictures or anything like that. But to me, that is cheating. As soon as I found that out, I took off my wedding rings and haven't put them on since.
So I guess that's about it for now. I will write more later and maybe it will be more positive. But right now, I need to get out the negative.
Summer
So what do I call the soon to be ex-husband? My ex, the s.o.b., butthead, dufus? You name it I have literally thought of all kinds of names to call him on here. Because obviously I don't want to put his real name even though I should just to warn off unsuspecting females to beware of men with his caliber of personality. But I like to think that I am above such things, but then again at the same time, I don't want another woman to fall into the same pit of despair that I am in at the moment. So I think we are just going to stick with the term "ex".
At Christmas, he literally acted like a 2 year old because he didn't like his Christmas gifts. I got him a pair of jeans, a movie, and something else that escapes my mind. His parents got him a new drill and they got me a Sony Reader (like a Kindle). He was moaning and groaning that they got me a $250 gift and him a $30 gift that he didn't need because he already had one. The ex got me a $50 watch and some baby "bags" to put dirty diapers in. The watch was great and everything, because I needed one, but I didn't need an expensive one. I would have been happy with a $10 watch from Walmart or Target. And for the baby "bags" well they are okay, but I was planning on using plastic bags from the grocery store to put dirty diapers in. But the ex literally acted like a spoiled child because he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. I told him to basically grow up and to be grateful for what he got. He kids certainly enjoyed their gifts. Oh, now I remember what else he got, he got a nerf gun because we were going to my sister's house for new years and planning a family nerf war. But it's like he couldn't even be grateful for the little stuff and had to go and throw a temper tantrum. Good grief!
So the ex over the past 2 months has almost literally made my life a living hell. (Yes I am very much aware that it takes two in a marriage and that I am not innocent when it comes to my marriage falling apart. However, I am venting and you are just going to have to suck it up.) My sister and I made a special trip in early February to another state where I used to live with the ex in order to retrieve some personal items. I was hoping that he wouldn't be there and I could just sneak in and get the stuff with out him finding out. Plus I found out hat he had been on the same website where we met chatting with other people. I was hoping to get copies of the conversations from his laptop. Well my "stealth" mission didn't go as planned. I tried to find out when he would be at work so I could go in, but he wouldn't tell me. So I basically had to tell him I was there in town for a family function and I wanted the last of my stuff that I knew about. He wanted to talk about "us" and the divorce and everything before he gave me my stuff. I honestly felt like my personal items were being held hostage unless I sat down and talked with him. Well the long and short of it was, I had to talk to him and made an "agreement" of sorts to agree to skype with him once a week and "talk". Thankfully my sister was there to help me and I said what I had to say in order to retrieve my personal items. I didn't get all of them, because the ex couldn't find them, but I was able to grab some of my purses and my classic movies. I left all my children's movies behind and everything else. I don't want them. They can be replaced. But I wanted some of my "girlie" movies like Pride and Prejudice and the rest of my Jane Austen collection. I also wanted my series of McLeod's Daughters. I couldn't find McLeod's but that's okay, I figured that they could also be replaced with time. It was torture just being around him.
I have literally had to block his phone number because of the amount of times that he has tried to call me. It's not good for me or my unborn baby to go through this emotional turmoil. It's not like this is a freaking piece of cake. I remember one time when he called on a new number and I didn't know it was him until I picked up the phone. We got into it and he made the comment that I should give him the baby when it's born and be done with it. I was like no way in heck am I giving him my child. He can't even take care of the three kids that he has from his previous marriage on his own. What makes him think he can take care of a newborn? Seriously.
So despite all the crap that he has put be through, I know that all of this isn't easy on him due to all the crap he went through with his ex-wife. But I really just don't care. He has caused the majority of the drama between him and his ex-wife and put me through so much crap and emotional turmoil, that I find that I refuse to put up with anymore. He emailed me late on Sunday night to tell me that he was checking himself into a place. (I believe it is a mental hospital.) I responded back and asked him like 9 or so questions. He only answered 1/2 of them because as he puts it, "He doesn't trust me" not to serve him the divorce papers while he is in this institution. Then he wanted to know if I was going to use it against him in court. You know what, if you have to go and check yourself into a mental facility because you can't deal with the emotions of real life, you can bet I am going to use it against you. Did I get emotional when he told me what he was planning on doing, heck yes I did. I felt guilty for about 30 seconds and then realized that this was his choice, his decision. Leave it at that.
My lawyer has tried to deliver the paperwork to serve him several times, but he has never supposedly been "home". Which I know is a load of crock. He will do anything and everything to avoid being served and this is based upon his past behavior with his ex-wife. He has asked me repeatedly for 2 weeks with no threat of being served to try and work out the issues. I refuse to go that route. It is his way of delaying the inevitable. So while he is in the mental institution my lawyer is putting an ad in the paper for the next three weeks. He will be out of the institution before the ad ends in the paper. He refuses to tell me where he is moving to and come to find out he has to be out of the aparment that we shared together by saturday 3/26. He won't even be out of the institution until next week sometime. Oh well, his loss. But at the same time, it's sad.
Oh, did I mention that I found out he went onto the same website where we met and was chatting with other women that were single and him still married? He was doing this not even 24 hours after I left. GRRRRRR!!! And he had some woman send him photos of herself. Not that they were "dirty" pictures or anything like that. But to me, that is cheating. As soon as I found that out, I took off my wedding rings and haven't put them on since.
So I guess that's about it for now. I will write more later and maybe it will be more positive. But right now, I need to get out the negative.
Summer
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Life...
So a few weeks ago, I left my husband. The reasons are many and varied. It has probably been one of the most difficutlt decisions I have ever made. But here's the thing, I know that I did the right thing. If I knew a year ago or even 7 months ago when we got married what I know now, I would have never have married him. I beat myself up on a daily basis for having even gotten involved with such a person. And now here's the kicker, I am 15 weeks pregnant. How is this fair to my unborn child that they won't have both parents? I know that there are lots of single parents out there and raising kids on their own. My Grandma was one of them. But I was raised with both parents and I want that for my child. Unfortunately due to choices that were made by both parents (because I know that I am not completely innocent of my marriage falling apart, it does take two after all) my child will now be with a single parent. Will it be hard. Yes it will. But I don't want to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and bad for me just because of a child. It's not fair to me or my child to make ourselves miserable.
So here's what I am going to do. I am starting this blog to dicuss my feelings and the things that I go through almost on a daily basis. I am filing for divorce. I am going to take some birth classes. I just have a whole plan of things that I am going to do. And yes that does include trying to find a job for the next school year. So here goes.
Summer
So here's what I am going to do. I am starting this blog to dicuss my feelings and the things that I go through almost on a daily basis. I am filing for divorce. I am going to take some birth classes. I just have a whole plan of things that I am going to do. And yes that does include trying to find a job for the next school year. So here goes.
Summer
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