I have tried to stay positive over the past few weeks and it is harder than I thought. It's tough to think positive thoughts when all you are doing is constantly going over everything that you have been through in your head and then you start crying. You cry in the morning, the afternoon, and sometimes even at night. You cry when you are driving somewhere, you cry in the shower, you cry watching a movie that's supposed to be funny. I told you, I am a freaking basketcase. So I did the get number of a counselor, and it's taken me over a week to work up the guts to call her. But I really think that I need her help, because at 26 weeks pregnant I can't let the emotional chaos that I am in cause harm to my unborn child. I already know that somehow all of this "drama" will impact my baby.
May 17, 2010
So It's been a month since I started this posting. Needless to say I am now meeting with a counselor. I think it's helping some but I still feel the urge to cry. Especially on days when it is cloudy and the weather is cold or when I think about all the things that have happened since I left Him and what the future holds. It's like it's a big blur and I don't know where to go. I talked with my mom today and she said that I should probably get on something to help me out. I'm thinking about it and when I meet with my OB/GYN next week I will probably ask for something to help me. I worry about what will happend after the baby is born. I don't want to go into post-partum depression, but at this point it's most likely to happen especially since I am already in a depressive state. So maybe getting something at this point will be a pre-emptive strike in order to prevent post-partum. I don't know.
30 weeks pregnant (almost 31) and I feel huge. Just a few more weeks to go though and my baby boy will be here. Which is good because he has been playing "soccer" or as I call it "kick the mommy" a lot the past few days. And some of those kicks have been really sharp and so painful that I cry out. Crazy kid.
My counselor has been great. She's really nice and she's given me some homework assignments to do. This week's assignment has been kind of difficult to do. Putting aside the role of victim and looking at my marriage and what I could have done better has been really hard. It's like what else could I have done. I catered to him. I thought I met his needs. However, I don't think that I can say the same about him. I tried to put him first and my needs second. Everytime that I tried to put my needs first, it was like I was shot down and made to feel bad about that. But not anymore.
On another note, I spoke with my lawyer today and since we had to put a posting in the newspaper in order to serve Him, he had 20 days after the final posting in the paper to respond. Well he responded all right. He wants specific conditions and court ordered marital counseling. He wants to be in on all doctor's visits and the birth of the baby. He's disagreed with most of my petition to the courts, including the part that stated that I wanted to return back to my maiden name as well as the emotional abuse. He wants joint legal and physical custody. Anything that was acquired during the marriage to be divded by the courts. I don't think the washer and dryer count as they were bought before we were even married and it was under my name. My lawyer said that we will be heading to mediation and I am fine with that. Hopefully we can get it scheduled early enough in June before I can't travel anymore.
I was able to go scrapbooking last saturday with my sister. It was really nice and definately something that I needed. Even though it was exhausting and I came home and slept for 13 hours, it was nice to go and do something that I do enjoy just haven't done it in a few years (more like 7). I am planning on going again this Friday night and all day Saturday. It will be exhausting, but I am hoping to get a lot done for my 2010 album. Then hopefully I can start on my 2009 album and go from there. Maybe even layout some pages for the baby's baby album. I am totally into monkey's for my little boy. I don't know why, but I just am. I go to JoAnn's or Target and their scrapbooking areas and I look for anything that has monkey's in it or something "boy" related. Hopefully I can do a good job creating my baby's album and journaling in it for him.
So that's it for now. Just a few tidbits. It's not much, but it's what I can do for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment